Seen it all. Done it all.
Just can’t remember most of it.

INSTANT HUMAN
(Just Add Coffee)

Chaos, Panic and Disorder!
I love my job.

I’m not tense,
just terribly, terribly alert.

When it’s steaming it’s cooking.
When it’s smoking, it’s done.

In our house, the smoke alarm was the dinner bell.

MEETINGS
A practical alternative to work.

Failure is not an option!
It comes bundled with the software.

The faulty interface lies between
the chair and the keyboard.

I can only please one person per day.
Today is not your day.
Tomorrow is not looking good either.

I FOUND JESUS!
He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana,

God Made Pot.
Man Made Beer.
Who Do You Trust?

If at first you don’t succeed,
destroy all evidence that you even tried.

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

24 hours in a day
24 beers in a case
Coincidence?
I think not!

Don’t get married.
Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two it’s an amusement park.

We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.

Jesus saves sinners
and redeems them for cash and valuable prizes.

Never underestimate the power
of stupid people in large groups.

I don’t have a license to kill.
But I do have a learner’s permit.

Four out of five people think the fifth is an idiot.

Jesus loves you!
It’s everybody else that thinks you’re an ass.

SO MANY CHRISTIANS
SO FEW LIONS

The meek shall inherit the earth.. ..after we’re through with it.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Losing a wife can be very hard.
In my case, it was almost impossible.